Jesus Budda Audio Files
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Listen!
Nice mp3 files created by Jesus Budda himself for you, lovely lady/man, to download and listen to in the comfort of your own cave.
Click on the one(s) you want to listen to to go to the download page and you can also listen to live streams.
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Jesus Budda News Podcast Episode 01
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Jesus Budda News Podcast Episode 02
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Jesus Budda News Podcast Episode 03
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Jesus Budda News Podcast Episode 04
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Why don’t you read the pod casts instead of using those voice distorters that international kidnappers use?
They’re funny (not international kidnappers; your podcasts)
QUOTE: “Why don’t you read the pod casts instead of using those voice distorters ”
I’m sick and tired of saying this: that is my voice!
I am the love child of Professor Steven Hawkings and a Speak and Spell from the 1980’s.
Give me a break, woman!
Oh, and thanks.
Well, I guess a career in the phone sex industry is out, isn’t it? Nobody would get off listning to someone who sounds like a mafia informant talking dirty. I guess a few people might, but they would be an exception to the rule.
That’s okay, you probably have other fine qualities
Funny, I would think you’d have a voice like a condesending BBC newscaster, or presenter, or whatever you call them over there.
And big teeth, like white Chiclets.
Ahhhhhh.
You’re presuming that I’m English.
Silly girl!
No siree, I’m not one of ‘them’.
Did I ever mention that I dream of living in a giant shoe.
Yes?
Well, good.
Just wanted to point that out.
So you’re not British? You spell like it. You’ve mentioned drinking cups of tea a few times, something most Americans don’t do. Unless they’re total health-nuts or they’ve got the flu.
Americans drink cups of coffee. We drink tea, but it’s iced tea and we drink it in glasses, not cups.
Sorry, JB, but I’m not convinced that you’re not one of those limey British bastards. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course
Or maybe you’re a transplant. If that’s the case you’ve lucked out because American women dig accents.
You want to live in a shoe? That’s funny, I DID live in a shoe at one time. Not as glamorous as it sounds, though- you’d do better living in a windmill on a mini golf course. Or a condo.
“Sorry, JB, but I’m not convinced that you’re not one of those limey British bastards. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course”.
I like tea, woman.
Normal tea. With milk. No sugar.
Not a health freak. Just a freak.
“Or maybe you’re a transplant. If that’s the case you’ve lucked out because American women dig accents.”
Yeah, I’m a lung. What are you talking about?! Are you trying to hit on me? I’m not that type of girl!
“That’s funny, I DID live in a shoe at one time. Not as glamorous as it sounds, though- you’d do better living in a windmill on a mini golf course. Or a condo.”
Lucky bitch.
Well, I stand corrected on the whole British thing. I’m convinced enough, I suppose.
So when you drink your tea, is it out of fancy little teacups? Do you hold out your pinky as you raise the cup to your lips? Do you have a tea set? Do you throw tea parties for your stuffed animals? If so, do you wear a top hat?
I’m not making fun, these are serious questions I have always wanted to ask hot tea drinkers.
I look forward to your reply
You know what? I hate seeing people drinking tea from tea cups with their little finger sticking out!
Whats that about?!
I use a mug. My own mug. No one else can use it but Jesus Budda.
“Hot tea drinker”?
Hmmmm.
You are hitting on me!
While I’m sure you’re a big, handsome, virle, sexy…mmmmmmmmmmm, yeeeeaaaahhhh……..
Ummm,where was I going with this? It seems I’ve lost my train of thought. Oh, yes. Now I remember.
You may be an off-putting combonation of 2 dieties, but I’m the one who will be worshiped. Not the other way around.
You have a harem of women in your cult to do that. If you don’t, you need to get one together, pronto. You’ll never be taken seriously as the founder of a new religion without one. Then get yourself a compound and you’ll be all set.
PS- If you DO decide you’d like to worship me, I know we could work something out
Yes.
And then you’d kill me and reveal your true identity.
Naughty boy!
Yes? I didn’t ask you anything. What are you agreeing to?
So, you think I’m a boy, do you? A “naughty” one, too. I understand your confusion. In retrospect having the word ‘Queen’ in my screename may not have been the best idea.
Live and learn.
I’ll put it to you like this: If I’m a man, then you’re British, okay? Do we understand eachother?
You would enjoy worshiping a Goddess like me, I promise
On another note, did you know that after 2 praying mantises the female bites the male’s head off?
I think I’ll leave you with that pleasant image.
On the above reply I left out an important word in the second to last line.
It’s supposed to read: Did you know that after 2 praying mantises MATE the female bites the male’s head off?
Sorry for the confusion
Yeah, I suppose.
Maybe he should have prayed a bit more. Yeah, I know. Terrible.
Thats life.
You’re still a guy. Or a woman with a beard.
I’m not convinced.
Well, I don’t know what else I can say. It’s no biggie, I’ve been called a man online before & I’m sure it won’t be the last time.
Nobody would ever make that mistake in person though.
Do you feel more comfortable chatting with men?
On another topic: You’ve got some real winners over on the Scientology thread, don’t you?
“Do I feel more comfortable chatting with men?”
I’m not sure. You tell me! How comfortable o you feel?
“nobody would make that mistake in person though.”
Really? What if a blind, deaf, mute quadriplegic with no nerve endings met you? How would they be so sure?
Yeah, I’ve attracted a delightful (small) following of ‘winners’ on that thread.
Can’t wait to see what reactions and comments I get when I cover Islam soon!
Over on theSpoof.com I know two wonderful gentlemen called Buckwheatsbutt and Jalapenoman.
Do you know them, Missfierce?
They love having a good laugh.
A bit like you, really.
Hmmmm……
What about them?
Don’t you have any opinions on them?
Any at all?
I don’t know what your problem is. I use a different name on every site I go to. Not to be dishonest, I just get sick of using the same screenname.
I opened an account on wordpress and I didn’t want to use my theSpoof name. I also got tired of using the moniker Misissippi Queen. So quit your bitching.
As for Jalepeno Man and Buckwheats, they seem like decent fellows. I don’t know what else I can say.
I just enjoyed talking to you the most on theSpoof threads and I like your blog. So I decided to leave some comments. I guess I learned my lesson.
What lesson?
I was just asking a question.
An innocent, harmless question.
Lets talk about cakes then.
Ok?
What type cake do you think Jalapenoman and Buckwheats would like?
Tee hee hee
You seem to know them better than I do. Especially, Bucks.
What do you suggest?
I’ll bet Youre feeling smart huh? Get in line for your Mensa award. Right behind Timmothy Curry from the Scientology thread.
“What do I suggest?”
Huh?
What do you suggest I suggest?
If you can’t remember what your original question was, how the hell can I answer it?
I can make whatever cake, pie, pastry, cookie, pudding, or custard you want. If you can think it up, I’ve probably made it at one time or another.
So what would you like me to make you?
A cake in the shape of a shoe.
A giant shoe.
Made with fresh cream and spongey stuff with sugar on top.
I’ll make the tea. Do you take sugar? Milk?
It’s just regular tea I drink. None of that fancy stuff.
A couple years back I made a clog cake for an ex-boyfriend’s sister. She liked it a lot. Wish I’d taken a picture of it, though. That would’ve been a nice edition to my portfolio.
You’re into shoes, are you?
You’d like to live in one, yes?
You’re an odd man, JB. I’m not complaining, as your quirks make me look like a well-adjusted, productive member of society. I’m just saying.
I think as a cult leader, you’ll do very well. You seem to have just the right ratio of charisma to insanity necessary to succeed. Go forth and conquer.
As for the tea, I like it iced, sweetened and with a couple wedges of oranges served in a mason jar. It’s a southern thing, I guess. Sort of like hot tea is with you Brits.
I’m not a Brit!
Damn you! Damn you all to hell!!!!!!!
A portfolio of cake images? Is that possible?
Any naked images?
A cake without any, say, cream?
I’m an odd man? ODD?
I’m a cult leader? A CULT LEADER????
Oh, yeah. That one’s kinda true.
You’re not so normal yourself.
In all fairness, I don’t think that you’re British. I think you are either Irish or Scottish, but I’m not ruling out Welsh or Canadian either.
The fact that you’re from one of these places can be compared to having a lover with only 1 testicle or 3 nipples. These are imperfections- glaring, obvious, nauseating and unsettling imperfections. But if the person has other good qualities, it’s easier to overlook those horrible, hideous flaws.
I guess what I’m trying to say is- wait, what the hell was I trying to say? I guess it doesn’t matter.
I have made naughty cakes. The best one was for this girl I worked with at a restaurant who was getting married. She was a super religious prude- a terrible combonation to be sure. So I made her a congratulatory triple chocolate cake- in the shape of a penis.
I put 2 cupcakes on either side for the balls. I coated those with toasted coconut that I dyed black- for the pubes, you know.
I put a lot of ridge detail on it and for the finishing touch I melted white chocolate and had it dripping out of the tip. It was a thing of beauty- or depending on your point of veiw- disgust.
When I gave Ms. Methodist her big, black dick cake her face got so red I’m suprised her head didn’t explode.
Everyone else loved it but nobody would eat it because it looked too gross what with all the detail.
Since no one would eat the penis cake, I started licking and tonguing it. One of the servers took a picture with his camera phone and when he did I mugged for the camera and gave an enthusiastic thumbs up. I wonder if he still has the photo?
I hadn’t thought about that in years, JB. I really enjoy our chats. I hope you do as well.
Yes. I enjoy our little chats too.
It’s uncanny really how similar we are to each other.
It’s amazing.
It’s almost like looking in the mirror at myself – except you are me and the mirror is what you write on this website.
Amazing.
Why don’t you think that I’m Chinese? Are you racist?
Nah, I just don’t get an Asian vibe from you.
While Asians do drink tea, but most of them are lactose intolerant. You said you like milk in your tea.
They also don’t talk about trousers, porridge, and wanking. At least in those particular terms.
So, am I right?
Yes. I’m not Chinese.
Lets continue playing. Yes?
I’m from Burkino Faso.
Still curious?
No, I’m tired of playing “Where in the World is Jesus Budda?” Besides, I know I’m right
I’ve got a question for you, but if you don’t wanna answer it’s ok. It’s sorta tacky.
Do you make any money off this blog? If so, about how much?
I ask because I may start my own blog soon.
You never answered if you like airplanes and airports.
I wanna play the “guess where Jesus is” game!
The blog?
Yeah, I made something like, ooohhhh…$75,125,754,798.93 so far from.
Well, thats what the little icon thingy on my site says. I trust it.
You never asked me if I liked airplanes and airports.
No one’s ever asked me if I liked airplanes or airports so I’ve never given it any thought. Let me think on it for a moment……
No.
Of course you wanna play “Where in the World is Jesus Budda”! It’s about you- your name is even in the title.
I know where you are though. You’re at the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport- Gate 37, terminal D. You and a few members of your Jesus Budda cult were standing by the Taco Bell Express this afternoon singing, chanting and shaking tambourines.
I was there to pick up a friend who had just returned from Bolivia on the red-eye. When I walked up to up $5.00 in your donation basket, you said that would never get me to heaven.
When you instructed me that the best way to reach heaven was to “kiss your writhing serpent” I sprayed you in the face with mace and you screamed like a little girl. Then security escorted you and your followers out of the airport. Remember?
Not to be rude, but you and your minions need singing, chanting, and tambourine shaking lessons.
You were the one in the lovely purple robe, yes? Thought so.
This never happened.
I’m sure of it.
It’d be great if you were a real person as you talk the same sort of shit I do!
Imagine?
Talking shit all the time and not a care in the world except, perhaps, breathing, eating and shitting in relative comfort.
Of course I’m a real person! Just look into my eye.
Do you think I’m one of your alternate personalities that broke away from your psyche, booked it to Texas, and then started life anew?
Some people are so self-involved.
Does my gravatar show up on your screen as an eye or some patchwork quilt looking thing?
On my computer at home it shows up as the patchwork quilt, but on my iPhone it shows up as my eye- which is what I intended.
That could be anyone’s eye.
It could be the eye of an animal.
So it does show up as an eye, then? I wonder why it shows up differntly on my computer?
Yes, JB it is the eye of an animal. In reality I’m a cute, fluffy kitten who chases a ball of yarn and drinks milk out of dish. Damn, you got me!
Distrustful much?
“Distrustful much”?
What’s that? Some crazy talk?
I knew you were an animal.
At least you’re not a vegetable.
Yes, that’s something I’m grateful for as well.
You need to buy an old school bus. You and you’re cult members need transportation. School busses are the vehicle of choice for successful cult leaders.
Have you minions paint it up like the Partridge Family bus or the Mystery Machine.
Also, start stockpiling weapons.
Done…..and….done!
No. I’m not in the killin’ mood.
My cult is just there for the sake of, well, being there.
Thats what most cults do, isn’t it?
They just gather together a group of weirdo’s, turn off the water and electricity, grow their hair long, put on comfortable robes and then…just wait to die.
Pointless.
I think cults re a symbol of the pointlessness of human existence.
With robes.
You’re not a very ambitious man are you, JB?
Of course, I don’t have any room to critisize you as I’m not a very ambitious woman. So I think I’ll stop………… now.
I think most of them run collective farms, don’t they?
Farming is horrible. Don’t tell anyone they’ll be farming until they’re completely brainwashed and behind the electric fence of your compound.
J-man wrote a story about how all the most succesful cult leaders favor grape Kool-Aid.
Do you think he’s been listning in on us?
“J-man wrote a story about how all the most succesful cult leaders favor grape Kool-Aid.
Do you think he’s been listning in on us?”
What do you think?
He’s an extremely jealous, bitter man. He despises what Jesus Budda stands for (that is, nothing much really).
But what he really hates is Jesus Budda’s strong, musky scent which seems to draw in innocent, beautiful females like flies to, well…. shit.
Picture him drooling over his computer keyboard, eyes filled with hate and dispair.
But thats quite enough thinking of Jesus Budda.
Now think of Jalapenoman walking his dog.
His bitter, twisted dog who craves the bones that other fellow dogs have buried and he’ll never be able to sink his teeth into.
Train of thought has left the station…..
I think that’s the most you’ve ever written in one reply.
You must be tired, you poor dear.
Why don’t you go lie down for a while and give your brain a rest, huh?
I’d say you’ve earned it.
“Why don’t you go lie down for a while”
I might just do that.
Make some space in the bed for me, will ya.
Sure thing.
Just let me get rid of this other guy first.
If you hurry the space will still be warm.
No. You finish up with the first client first.
I’ll wait in line like the others.
It’s good you aren’t the jealous sort. That probably has something to do with your harem of brainwashed female cult members, but it’s good nonetheless.
I like variety. Why should I eat only oatmeal, when I have the option of a Denver ommlet or French toast or pizza? That’s just silliness. And it’s not like I’d have them one after another. That’s just……disgusting
What’s the matter, don’t you like variety, JB?
I’ll bet you’re stuck with plain ol’ Corn Flakes for the rest of your life, aren’t you?
Even if there’s bananas or strawberries added to jazz things up, it’s still the same bowl of Corn Flakes. A cold, soggy bowl of Corn Flakes that quietly resents you.
I’m so sorry for you.
Huh?
Theres nothing wrong with Corn Flakes.
So, if I’m understanding this correctly, your boyfriend is a piece of toast?
I wonder how the piece of toast would feel about you lurking on the blog of the Worlds smallest Cult leader. Probably a turn on.
I know I’m turned on. I can just imagine Jesus Budda talking shit and the likes.
Oh, that Jesus Budda is a kerazeee guy!
“I know I’m turned on. I can just imagine Jesus Budda talking shit and the likes.”
I’m not suprised you’re turned on by you at all. You ever seen that key chain that says, ‘I’m so cute I wanna date myself’? No? Well, it exists and I think it sums you up pretty well.
Wasn’t that you I saw walking down Lover’s Lane…holding your own hand? I’m pretty sure it was. I could smell your strong musky scent.
As for the boyfriend, well, it’s not going to work. I need man who is smarter and more interesting than toast.
My blog is up. Come see it.
workwhy.blogspot.com I use my spoof name on it.
I don’t know how to set up links yet
You insult me and then you tell me about your new site! What a bitch!
I’ll drop by and annoy you.
I went to your site and theres nothing there. Well, just the site name. But no writing.
I read your profile but nowhere to post.
Fuck blogger. Come to wordpress.com instead.
I had a post on there and then I deleted it because it was retarded.
I rewrote it and it’s up. I double checked it.
“You insult me and then you tell me about your new site? What a bitch!”
I torment the people I like. What can I say? I’m a bit of sadist. It’s all in good fun, though.
I’ll be over there in a few minutes. Hold on.
Cute baby. Is it yours?
Thats a recent picture of me sitting in the back seat of a stolen car listening to one of my chanting tapes.
No. It’s someone else’s baby. I just borrowed it for the day. Should really return it sometime. It’d be around 2 years old now. Sure it’s parents miss it.
Tell the truth, JB. Is it fertilizing your garden along with Phil’s chopped up corpse?
You can tell me. I’ll never tell a soul- unless you piss me off
That baby is still healthy and alive. Well, thats what those cannibalistic circus folk told me.
I miss Phil.
Seriously.
I like the way he livened up the forums over at thespoof.com.
Sometimes it just gets kinda…dull.
I miss Phil, too. I hope he’s okay, not sick or anything. Physically sick, anyway- I think everyone that posts on theSpoof is generally a little…off.
I like Phil. He always answered my questions about British culture.
I miss you and his banter, too.
“I miss you and his banter, too.”
But I’m still there. And here.
Where’d you think I went?
I hope he comes back. Well, if not him then someone else to stir things up. We usually get a few every year who stir things up for the better and then…vanish.
pity.
“But I’m still there. And here.”
Yes, but you and Phil had a whole Tom & Jerry/Itchy & Scratchy kinda thing going on. I don’t think we’ll ever have that repartee. We’re more Bart and Lisa. Or maybe Pepe LePew and the cat he harasses. But the cat never talks does it? Maybe that’s not a great example.
But if one of you had to leave, I’m glad it was him and not you
He’ll be back. Or a version of him will be back.
Persistent. Never gives up. A real fighter. Likes making trouble.
Suits me fine!
Sweet words, Madame.
Like kisses from an angel.
Except in the form of typed letters. On a blog. And with a smiley.
I think of us more as Bonnie & Clyde. When they were dead.
Or Elvis and Priscilla. Except legal.
How about Morticia and Gomez Addams? Was that the show with Thing and Lurch?
Or
Fred and Lily Munster?
The thing I never got about that show was how can a Frankenstein monster and a Vampira have a werewolf baby?
It’s probably like when a blond woman and a brown haired man have a child and it comes out with blue hair.
God’s will?