Dave and the Cult of Jesus Budda Groupie June 24, 2009
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I stopped by to visit Dave again at his old folks home yesterday.
This time, as well as bringing his beloved coconuts, I also brought a female cult member to pay respects to the filthy, wicked old fool!
Her name is Chloe. She’s late-twenties, large expressive eyes – and most importantly – she has really big tits!
Dave sat up in his bed and called out “I’ve died and gone to Heaven!” as soon as Chloe walked through the door in her low-cut halter-neck top which revealed a Grand Canyon-esque mass of cleavage.
But Dave wasn’t referring to being excited about seeing Chloe’s bounteous bazoomba’s.
No, he was literally talking about dying and going to heaven!
Earlier that morning he had been officially dead for 4 minutes before the doctors arrived and jump-started him with a blast of electrical currant from the severed wires of a table lamp.
Dave
I saw a bright shining light before me….Chloe
You saw Heaven?!Dave
No.
Mrs. Hendrix from room 106 flashed a torch at me.
Who are you anyways?JB
This is Chloe. She’s a cult member. She’s come to say hello and see the great Dave all for herself.Dave
Cult member, eh?
So, why’d you join Jesus Budda’s group of loonies?
The sex?
Drugs?
Rock and roll?
Chloe bushes coyly.
Chloe
No. I joined because every other religion just didn’t do it for me.Dave
You ever try Rastafarianism?
No. Me neither. A pile of shit.
JB
Chloe comes from a stable background – unlike most of the freaks, loners and weirdo’s who normally come scratching at my door.Dave
Rich, eh?
So what went wrong?
Wanted to rebel against your parents? Society? The System?Chloe
Catholicism just didn’t offer any answers for me personally.Dave
And a cult that wants to live in a Giant Shoe DOES?Chloe
There’s more to it than that. Jesus Budda preaches peace, love and harmony.
Dave laughs out loud.
Dave
He does fucking NOT!
All he preaches is mumbo jumbo he borrows from me, random crap that comes into his mind and lots and lots of tits.JB
That’s a bit harsh, Dave, you fucking old prick.Dave
Shut the fuck up.
I think Chloe here provides AMPLE evidence of the beliefs of the Cult of Jesus Budda.Chloe
What are you talking about?Dave
Look down, my dear.
See those things blocking the view of your toes?
Well that, my pretty, is your contribution to the divine beliefs of Jesus Budda.
Chloe
You are a nasty old man with a filthy mind.Dave
That I am.
And not only that, but I am also the proof that wisdom does not in fact come with age.
I also disprove the commonly held misconception that masturbation will turn you blind. In fact, in my particular case, my eyesight has increased to incredible levels of vision that world-renowned ophthalmologists are quite baffled by my bizarre seeing powers.
JB
It’s true.
Dave can see around corners by twisting the very fabric of space-time and curving the passage of light in such a way as to see things other lesser mortals cannot.Dave
That I can.
I am a marvel of humanity.Chloe
I am more than just…breasts.
I enjoy reading and thinking about the Universe, life, death and meaning of everything.JB
Good for you!
And you have beautiful breasts too!!!
Dave
So what!
But I suppose it’s better than being an Atheist.Chloe
What’s wrong with being an atheist?Dave
Atheism is lazy-ism.
Not believing in God is alright….but not bothering to believe in a ‘Creator’ of some sort is just pointless.
Where’s the fun in that?
JB
Monotheism, Polytheism or Atheism are all just beliefs created by the mind of individuals and accepted by others.Dave
True.
But it’s human nature to want to have a beginning and therefore something to create it.JB
But then again, Dave, the Agnostic stance is pretty wise: that there may be a God, but if there is there can be no knowledge of the fact either through reason or revelation.Chloe
I’m just gonna remove my top for a minute.
JB
Go right ahead.I won’t stop you.Chloe
Make love to me.JB
Maybe later.Chloe
Make love to me now. Right here. Right now. On the floor. Like pigs.
I cock an eyebrow.
I said ‘cock my eyebrow’ – not what you thought with your filthy mind!Dave breaks the silence.
Dave
Anyone for Jenga?And with that the cock crows 3 times and Jesus Budda is crucified: 8 games to 3.
Am I to assume the Twister mat stayed in the closet during this particular game of Jenga?
Or did you bring it out so you and the nubile Chloe could show Dave how great it is to be young and flexible?
Or maybe Dave played along– he seems like he’d be a pretty spry old fellow.
However it turned out, I wish I could have been a fly on one of Dave’s room’s walls that day!
Why would you want to be a fly on the wall?
Nobody likes flies.
i killed a few yesterday. Horrible creatures.
As for Chloe – she’s actually not that flexible.
Did you kill the flies with a shotgun or with your super powers?
Do tell…
Sad news on the Chloe flexibility front.
I like the tags – shit, sex, tits, boobs – covers all bases.
@ ALAN:
Chloe’s flexibility isn’t important when he sister Jennifer is around. She more than makes up for it!
(except that she has no genitals or a head)
@ WiB:
Yes, I like the tags too. Simple and to the point!
My tags attract the weirdo’s like flies – see, even you turned up!!!!
Yes, JB likes to cover all the bases where tags are concerned!
It really brings them outta the woodwork, doesn’t it?
Why don’t you add machette, bikini bottom, Frankie Avalon, and necrophilia to the already long list of tags? You know, just to see who/what turns up.
BTW, you remember my post, My Former Roommate, the Nudist? It turned up on a porn site! I’m so proud!
Thanks for the Chloe clarity. But I still need to know… Did you kill the flies with a shotgun or with your super powers?
Alan, you get nothing!
Nada.
Nill.
Zilch.
The big Zer-0.
Negativity to the max.
Now, what was the question again?
Chole’s gonna have major back problems
Also, I’ve been told (by an Atheist) that there’s nothing in fact better than being an Atheist.
I’ve sent samples for independent testing by a leading laboratory to confirm this, but in the mean time, he refuses to talk to me. Apparently the patch of skin I removed from his forehead is causing some severe pain and embarrassment.
I’ve lost more friends that way than lightning, hurricanes, cars and bears combined
Eksith, Chloe’s gonna be just fine.
No need to worry.
I’d watch your back with Atheists around.
They have a habit of poking you in the ribs when you least expect it.