Jesusbudda’s Weblog

Dave is an 88-year-old weirdo that lives in a retirement home.

Why should you give a crap about Dave?

Well, there’s no other way to put this – Dave is God.

I visited Dave the other day to drop off some coconuts (don’t ask).
He was alone in his tiny, cramped bedroom.
Sitting up in a tattered old armchair, Dave was concentrating hard on one of his jigsaw puzzles as I entered.
He lowered his glasses down his nose and peered up at me.

Dave
So ya came back, eh?

JB
I brought your coconuts.

Dave (inspecting the coconuts carefully)
Just how I like ‘em – Hairy. Nice holes. Moist and wet on the inside. Starts with a ‘C’. Ends with a ‘T’.
Has a ‘U’ and an ‘N’ in the middle….

JB
It’s just a coconut, Dave.
So watcha doin’?

Dave
I’m solving the riddles of the Universe….
What the fuck do you think I’m doin?!
I’m making a fricken’ jigsaw.

JB
At least you’re spending your time productively.

Dave
Whaddaya mean?
So, what, I’m supposed to be playing with jigsaws, is that it?
I’m not supposed to be outside fucking sheep in the ass and carving sculptures of beautiful women out of mushrooms?

JB
I just meant that you aren’t being bored cooped up here in this death house…

Dave
…And what the fuck is ‘Time’ anyways?
Time is a human perception.
Time is meaningless.

JB
Relax, Dave, don’t give yourself a brain tumor…

Dave
Ya know, I spent earlier looking out that window at people passing by – rushing to get from one place to the other.
Running for the bus.
Speeding away in their big fancy cars.
People hurrying their dogs along instead of letting them shit on the lamp post like nature intended…

JB
You’ve got a problem with time, Dave?

Dave
I have a fucking problem with the perception of time, you dickhead!
Here I am. An old frail man, stuck in a concentration camp for the elderly and all around me time speeds by.
But MY time goes slower and slower.
Time means fuck all.
Time is a state of mind.
There is no beginning or end. There is no need to rush or hurry. There is no need to barge forward to grab all you can before it expires.
It’s all in the mind.

JB
Will I leave your coconut on the table?

Dave
Fuck you, man. Leave me coconut alone.
You just want me to live by YOUR time. Well I won’t do it, man. This is my time. I make the rules as far as my time goes.
I go fast when I wanna and I go slow when I wanna do so.

JB
Please continue.

Dave
Why is it that when your engrossed in something time goes fast?
It’s almost as if the idea of having fun or pleasure involves the wastage of time.
And the opposite is true too, man.
You’re bored out of your fucking mind watching a shitty episode of Murder She Wrote and it goes on and on for, like, ever!!!!
It’s like time increases purely to punish you.

JB
So, you are saying that time condemns people?

Dave
Fuck yeah, man.
Time – Physiological time, that is – just points forwards. You don’t see the future before it happens do ya?

JB
No…

Dave

You only remember the past, man.You don’t remember the future, asshole.You can’t stop time. It either slows down or gets faster. There is no pause button or fast forward.

JB
Hmmmm……Time IS a bastard.

Dave
It is.
Time is so unfair. It’s like being on a shitty ride at the funfair and never being able to get off until it completes even though you really wanna hop off becasue from your high vantage point you’ve spotted the other kids playing on another ride that is much cooler and better. But even if you managed to jump out and make your way over to the  other ride with the other kid – by the time you got over there, the other kids would have gone and you’d be right back where you began in the first place: having a shitty time!

JB
Hmmm, interesting and weird…

Dave
Time fucks you up and then spits you out.
And you know the worst thing, Jesus Fucking Budda?

JB
No. Do tell…

Dave
Time is unique to each fucking  individual motherfucker.
So no matter how hard you try to find a balance between making the best of your shitty time, you can never properly share it with others because their time will always be out of sync to yours.

JB
Time is a bitch.

Dave
Time is a fucking prick.

We both gaze downwards in deep contemplation.

Dave
Crack my nuts.

JB
Only if I get to drink your juices.

Dave
There’s a hammer in my underwear you can use to pop those holes.

After breaking open the coconut we both settle down to complete the jigsaw – which it turns out is a picture of a giant melting Salvador Dali-esque clock.

I promise Dave I’ll visit him again soon.

He promises to pray for converts to my Cult and not to kill me.

A fair deal indeed.