Jesusbudda’s Weblog

I dropped by Dave’s retirement home again yesterday to show him some plans I had drawn up for the Giant Shoe Temple for my Cult and also to bring him some of his beloved coconuts that he craves so badly.

Dave enjoyed seeing the plans: he doesn’t get the chance that often to view plans that often  – for a Giant Shoe Temple to a bizarre Cult, that is – while cooped up in his old folks home.

After a few minutes I could hear a creaky squeaking sound coming from somewhere down the hall. Something bumped against the door frame before entering the room howling loudly in a high-pitched squeaky voice: it was Joe the Creationist who lives down the hall.

He wheeled his wheelchair right up to us and then slapped a large flat box down upon the flimsy table.

Joe

Speed jigsaw!

JB (confused)

Come again?

Joe

Speed jigsaw!!!

Dave intervenes to unravel my confused mind.

Dave

He wants to play a game of speed jigsaw against me.

I learn then that Speed Jigsaw is a ‘high-risk’ game in which two dueling old men battle against each other (to the death, occasionally) to complete a jigsaw puzzle as fast as possible.

Both combatants are armed with jigsaw’s – each with the exact same number of pieces – and also as much morphine as they can handle without stopping their decaying hearts.

Dave gestures to me to fetch the battered puzzle box on the top shelf: “5000 pieces”, it says on the box, “not suitable for children under 3 years of age”.

The box has no picture on it – just like Joe’s one – which makes it extra difficult to complete as no one has a damn clue what the fuck they are supposed to be making!

I am ‘chosen’ to be the timekeeper.

“But remember”, Dave growls angrily, “time is a prick”.

JB

Ready, steady, GO!

Dave

What the fuck? We’re not babies. Just say ‘Commence battle’.

I shrug.

JB

Commence battle!

And with that they move as fast as two octogenarian wacko’s can possibly move – which is a little faster than ‘snail speed’.

Joe starts talking in that rapid-fire squeaky tone of his:

Joe

Ya know, doing a jigsaw is a lot like playing God.

JB

Why’s that?

Joe

You have the raw materials and you just gotta fit ‘em together to see the big picture.

And a hard one can sometimes take 6 days to do before taking a rest on the final day to review your work.

Dave

Creationist bullshit!!!

Joe

That aint bull, that’s fact. The Bible says so.

Dave

If the World was a jigsaw and God pieced it all together then who the hell made the jigsaw in the first place?

Joe

God.

Dave

Why would he bother making a jigsaw out of the World if he already had the World created in the first place?

Joe

For fun.

Dave

For fun? You are anthropomorphizing creation to fit your Holy book of shit!

Joe

Am not!

Dave

Are too!

I slap each of them with a wet towel to regain order to proceedings:

JB

If there is a God and he made the World from a jigsaw puzzle, then surely he would have many ways to make the puzzle and surely he would have several stumbling blocks along the way such as loosing some pieces….

Joe

God doesn’t make mistakes.

JB

What I’m saying is that if Man is made in God’s image, then surely God is a clumsy, stupid, careless bastard. Surely he therefore would have lost some of the pieces of the jigsaw or sucked them up by accident with his vacuum cleaner – never to be seen again.

Which means that surely there are parts of existence – the existence that we can experience form our limited perspective – that have been lost.

Whole sections of the Universe and the very essence of existence are missing….

Joe

I’ve already said it: God doesn’t make mistakes. The Bible says so.

Dave

I still can’t get around your stupid logic of your so-called God actually bothering to create a jigsaw puzzle in the first place, and then jumble up all the pieces purely so that he can reform it at a later stage – for fun!

Joe

He works in mysterious ways….

JB

Why would he take 7 days to make a jigsaw puzzle that he created himself?

Surely he could have done it quicker?

Joe

6 days – plus the seventh day as a chance to rest and take a look at his handiwork.

He had other things to do. The jigsaw was done in his spare time.

JB

So creating the World wasn’t a priority?

Joe

Oh, I wouldn’t say that. Creating Man was his priority. He had to design Man is His own image, remember? Takes time to get something that important right….

Dave

I have a problem with the time issue. How did time exist for God exactly? How did he measure time? How long was a day to God? Did he have a watch? Did he judge time by his movements around some other celestial body? And if so, where did the other celestial body – say a Star – come from?

Joe

God works in mysterious ways…

Dave

That’s your pathetic answer to everything!

I notice that Joe the Creationist is slightly in the lead at the moment in the jigsaw competition. I still can’t make out what the hell the picture is supposed to be.

It’s quite surprising how quickly these two old fools have managed to slot together a few thousand pieces of a jigsaw puzzle in such a short space of time.

Dave

What about double-sided jigsaws?

Joe

What about ‘em?

Dave

Well, does God make double-sided jigsaw Worlds and Universes? Ones that have pieces that interconnect perfectly either way but with two distinct images on either side?

JB

That sounds like a very complicated jigsaw to solve…

Joe

Oh, I’m sure God makes those too.

Dave

So you believe in multi-Universes co-existing, but on alternative planes of perception?

Joe

No. I agree that Go makes double-sided jigsaws.

Dave

What about those 3D jigsaws that have multiple dimensions?

Joe

Sure. God makes everything.

JB

Imagine how difficult it would be to complete one of those 3D puzzles that are also double sided….?

I notice that both Dave and Joe are frantically striving to piece together their puzzles. Both are using different techniques. Joe is staring from the bottom right-hand corner whereas Dave is just piecing together similarly colored pieces in a rag-tag manner.

Dave

Your God obviously has no sex life.

Joe

Just because he likes jigsaws does not mean he doesn’t have a sex life. That’s insulting and stereotyping Him as a nerd simply because he is good at doing stuff.

Dave

Then WHO exactly does He have sex with?

I am curious to hear Joe’s answer to this question, but Joe dodges it in true creationist fashion:

Joe

God works in mysterious ways….

JB

Is God a homosexual?

Joe

Certainly not!

JB

Does God have a sneaky wank?

Joe

He gets his pleasures from reading the Bible and making everything.

I decide to throw a spanner in the works – not literally, because I don’t have a spanner handy on me at the present time.

JB

Who created God?

Joe

God is the be all and end all. There is nothing before or after. God IS the beginning and the end.

JB

Ok.

So there is an ‘End’?

Joe

Oh yes. Once the jigsaw has been completed God will come forth and open His kingdom of Heaven to the saved souls on Judgment Day.

Dave

Let me know when that is so I can mark it on my calendar.

JB

But surely that’s not the end? If it is ‘the End’ then surely everything should stop?

But it obviously continues on if God is opening up his house for a big Judgment Day party time?

And what the fuck is God waiting around for Judgment Day in the first place?

If He created everything and everyone, and therefore knows all, then why wait?

Why the whole effort and wastage of time making the bad people if he is just gonna condemn them at the end anyways?

Why not just make good people who do nice things?

Would a factory produce crappy products that were obviously worthless and didn’t work? Of course not!

Then why would someone as wise and great as the big G.O.D spent a large part of his time and efforts making what, I essence, is condemned shit?!

Joe looks up at me for the first time, his searing grey eyes burn right through me – literally!

I never knew he had laser vision!!!!

Dave slaps Joe on the head to make him stop.

Dave

Quit burning Jesus Budda, ya fucking tool!

If you kill him who the hell will bring me my coconuts?

Joe turns his wheelchair away while still staring me directly in the eyes before announcing:

Joe

Checkmate.

I look down at the table and see that he has completed the puzzle – it’s of a little cat in a watering can – who would’ve guessed that?!!!

Dave tosses down his final few pieces in disgust.

Dave

‘Checkmate’?

This isn’t chess, you fuck.

It’s speed jigsaw!

Joe

Either way, I win.

Game over.

End of argument.

Joe pushes his chair away from us towards the exit, but pauses at the door and looks back over his shoulder with a strange look on his face – I think he may have diarrhea.

Joe

If anyone wants me I’ll be reading my Bible…

With that final remark he leaves.

Dave and I look at each other.

Dave

Coconut juice?

JB

Good idea.

I’ll pour us a double.

The moral of this story?

I have no idea.

Maybe You know?

Maybe you don’t?